September 26, 2017

Sometimes you have to be your own damn superhero

I spent so much of my young adult life (unconsciously) believing I wasn’t strong enough; worthy enough; beautiful enough; smart enough; enough. I constantly looked outside myself to feel validated, affirmed, enough. I jumped to other people’s’ rescue…. helped wherever and whenever I was “needed”…. often before they even realized they needed help. I was so in tune and in touch with other people’s’ thoughts, feelings, happiness …. that I often ignored my own. When I saw other people happy, it filled me up (temporarily). The funny thing about that kind of reactive happiness is that it’s fickle. And fleeting. And conditional to outside approval and validation. My feeling of self worth would wax and wane with the emotions of those around me. I was only as good as I was able to make other people feel. Which is unhealthy for them. And unhealthy for me. My self worth should never be contingent upon anything. Or anyone else. This year has been the hardest most challenging year of my life. But you know what? I am still here. and I am stronger because of it. I have learned to use my superpowers for MYSELF. And I have learned that doing so is not selfish or uncaring … but actually, just the opposite. I have more to give and it’s from a place of worth instead of dependent on someone elses’ fickle actions and reactions. I lived off breadcrumbs … trying to fuel my spirit with conditional bits of love from external sources. I was starving. And when you are starving you stay in survival mode. You cannot connect with yourself or others. You can’t move up the hierarchy to a place of empowerment because the outside world dictates your worth – and just when you feel worthy, it’s taken away again. Yes, this was the most difficult year of my life. But I learned how to be my own damn superhero. I don’t need anyone to save me. I know how to save myself. That’s empowering. And filling. And thriving. It’s the simple shift between needing someone (to fill you up, validate, make you feel worthy or “enough”), and wanting someone. Wanting to unite superpowers, not to be saved – (because we each know we are capable of doing that for ourselves) – but to rise up and shine. Shine on, Superhero ?

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