January 20, 2018

Oh, @glennondoyle , again. Yes. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. If you have heard something about me, behind my back, I am happy to have a conversation about it or answer to it. Do not participate in the rumor mill. Or, worse, yet…. treat me differently based on something you heard from some third party. My actions speak to my character, I KNOW this….. but it’s easy to get caught up in the “I’m not enough” or “why are they throwing shade?” “What’s going on?” And then spin into my own spiral and shame story. One time, a loooooooooong time ago. I had a mama friend bring me into a room with our two young, toddler-y kiddos to “talk” to me. At the time it felt like an interrogation. At the time it felt like unnecessary confrontation (which I have always dreaded – trauma history). My palms sweaty, my voice crackly, I felt like I was being reprimanded and “in trouble” when I had done nothing wrong. Turns out, I had done nothing wrong. But because of other womens’ experience with backstabbing, whispering, rumor mills —— they reacted to me —— instead of responding to me. And this one woman, took it one step further – bringing it to me. At first, I was appalled. Scared. Angry. It’s not until growth work years later do I realize the vulnerability and courage it takes a person to engage in a hard conversation instead of continuing the rumor mill. The women were reacting from their own shame and hurt and past experiences. This woman could have, too. I could have been ostracized and left out – not even knowing what I did WRONG (I hadn’t done anything wrong). She had the courage to invite me into a conversation with her. To hear my side of the situation. To offer compassion and listening when these other women were too caught up in their own stories to clarify, or listen. She put herself in an uncomfortable, vulnerable situation because she didn’t feel aligned in reaction. And rumor milling. And story telling. She was a truth teller. And wanted to know what was really going on. That Sister, has my back. Had our greatest love at heart. I could have, in all that interrogation left her feeling exposed and hurt and covered it up with anger and “who is she??” But I didn’t. Instead, I showed up, too. To listen. To try to understand. You see, we don’t have to do it perfectly. It’s always going to be a bit messy —- Glennon would say it’s brutifal …. beautiful and a little brutal. Because it is. It’s messy. It’s uncomfortable. To see and be seen, nakedly. Our real thoughts, feelings, exposed. To process difficult conversations…. to even have the courage to BEGIN a difficult conversation.
 
I am so grateful to that woman for pulling me aside and having a hard conversation. I didn’t realize, at the time, how vulnerable and grown it is to engage in a group dynamic from a place of grace, Love, and alignment.
 
But I’m working on seeing when I spiral into the rumor mill. Is it to self protect? What am I trying to cover up? What am I telling myself? Is it true?
 
Can I bring this to this person to have a conversation? If not, do I really choose to have their energy in my life?
 
Cheers to more messy, real, authentic conversations. Where we show up. Messy. And offer each other benefit of the doubt, generosity of spirit, and love.
 
And if we act from a place of kindness, vulnerability ….. and it’s unmet… May we be able to allow that to be their journey – its not mine to change, correct, or make different. Make peace with the way I showed up, in love and kindness…. and move forward.
 
I will no ever go wrong meeting situations and people with love. That’s in my truest and utmost alignment. And boundarying myself from anyone who consistently isn’t able to show up similarly.