January 18, 2019

The only thing i can control is myself. Stay in my lane. Layla tells me that’s just a “nice way of saying ‘mind your own business’”. I guess she’s right. It’s a phrase I say to them often. Stay in your lane.
The only thing you can control is yourself. No matter how much you wish you could make someone want what you want; change their choices; you can’t. Your power lies with you.
Tonight we had a huge cuddle session. Watching a show and “going right to bed” turned into some big huge feelings. I have learned that big huge feelings are never about what they are about. Big feelings are like smoke and mirrors for the real issue at hand. Sometimes I realize that in the moment. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I react. Sometimes I respond. I always remind myself either before, during, or after that the only thing I can control is myself.
Tonight’s escalation was in preparation for going to dad’s house tomorrow. Transitions are always hard. The escalation turned out really to be about wishing dad were still here. Living with us. Cuddling with us. Being in our house. Being a family. 3 fantasized a zipline that connected dad to our house whenever he needed him. A Rube Goldberg type machine that end resulted in dad getting to mom’s house and marrying her in a wedding.
2 was reminiscent of when 3 was 3. Somehow she has it in her head that that was the magic age when things didn’t feel so hard. She longs for that. And 1 quietly nodded and bit her nails. Afraid to say anything but needing huge hugs and mama cuddles.
They all needed to be reminded that I love them. Always. Even when I’m feeling frustrated WITH them.
And often times leading up to tough transitions I lose my patience….sometimes I think they rely on that. They test me to see. To make sure: they want to know they can escalate the situation and make separation easier somehow. I used to do the same thing when my partner would leave at night. I would pick a fight, unconsciously, in hopes of making the separation seem more tolerable somehow.
It never worked.
But the child inside me didn’t want to feel abandoned. So I reacted sometimes instead of responded. #growing
Now I know. I know better. So now I have the opportunity to do better. To parent better. To reparent better. To be the calm in the midst of the storm. If I catch it soon enough.
Because…. the only thing I can control is myself.
That’s where my power is. I cannot control you. Or them. Or anyone else. I can want things to go a certain way, wish them into existence, but ultimately …. you choose for you. I choose for me. I’m no longer okay reacting. I am responsible for me. I can take care of my big feelings.
I am allowed to protect my peace.
That is my right.
I am responsible for my reaction and my response. I have grown and stretched so so much. I am amazed by the healing that can be achieved when you are open to it. Strong enough to face it. And willing to roll up your sleeves to feel what bubbles up from the surface.
The only thing I can control is myself.
xoxo – Jessica ?