Hey Loves. I wanted to talk to you a bit about boundaries.
See, for a long time I used to push past my own no and allow myself to get bullied into doing things I didn’t want to do – or things that weren’t actually in my best interest.
I wanted to please people so much I would override mySELF in order to not make waves and get along and be a good girl/daughter/sister/partner/mom.
Then I began to factor myself in too.
That doesn’t mean I became selfish. It just means that I ALSO factored myself in.
My needs.
My YESES. My No’s.
When you push past your NO and do something anyway – when that something escalates or unravels and you become frustrated, angry, or resentful – well, you pushed past your own NO.
You let your own boundary become violated.
There is a bit of self accountability, self responsibility in that.
But let me say this loudly and clearly. Those who LOVE us will not make us feel guilty, ashamed, or blamed for upholding our own boundaries. Of taking care of ourSELVES TOO. As in, ALSO. Factoring ourselves in. Even if that means saying no to them or disagreeing with them or going against their opinion.
In a healthy relationship dynamic, there would be no blaming, shaming, or name-calling for upholding your values and taking care of yourself and setting boundaries. I used to be so scared to set boundaries – to literally, physically, and emotionally TAKE CARE of MYSELF because I was scared of what someone else might think about me; say about me; or view me; or what the fallout or punishment would be (often stonewalling and emotional abandonment).
Now?
I know that when others think about me unkindly, name-call, or view me differently for TAKING care of ME too – that tells me they never really truly loved or cared about me to begin with. They were using me for their own agenda. My people-pleasing.
People who don’t respect your boundaries don’t respect you.
People who don’t respect your boundaries are often people who are using you for their ego, their selfishness, their own agendas.
Healthy, healing people can hear a boundary and accept it with grace and humility. They wont mock you, make fun of you, name call you, abuse you, for holding a boundary that you have made clear over and over and over again.
On a side note – your boundaries don’t actually need to be explained to anyone. You can hold them for yourself, even without an explanation to someone else.
If a person is worthy of hearing your story – if a person has earned the right to hear your why, your boundaries – chances are, they will try to uphold them too. There is trust between you. And a healthy dynamic and bridge of connection. They can hear your YES and your NO and accept both.
People who name call; shame; blame; or abuse you when you uphold a boundary you’ve set move right along. They haven’t earned the right to hear the explanation. The story. Or your time. If they name call; shame; blame; or abuse you the best way to uphold your own energy and maintain self love and compassion, and remain in your own integrity, is to ignore them.
Love and Light, Friends
Xoxo – Jessica